People cry at weddings. They cry for all kinds of reasons i remember weddings i cried.  I cried a few time because i wanted to be where the bride was. Not because I wanted her groom, I just wanted to get married. I cried at my own wedding because I was afraid my groom was going to run off without me or faint.  I wasn’t sure which he was shaking so bad. I wanted to run but my dad held me back, he made me walk slowly up the aisle. Its kinda hard to believe it had been 13 years. We don’t have it all figured out we have done some work on it. The expectations we had almost made our marriage almost failed from the very beginning.   

Marriage Ending a Sense of Loss

Today a friend of mine called me up and told me she was thinking of calling it quits on her marriage of three years. I was not surprised by the deep feelings of loss, since I have spent most of my life believing divorce is inexcusable except in extreme cases. We are just supposed to accept marriages end. As friends we are expected to stand by and watch a person tear apart their life they have made a vow to live.  The vow was not made just to the person at the altar with them but the ones witnessing the event. Approximately a year ago my husband’s friends from high school called it quits after 35 yrs of marriage and almost 4 years of dating during high school. It was extremely unsettling to their friends who have known them since high school. Do you not feel odd ambiguous sense of loss or do you get lost in the who is right or wrong blame game?

The Marriage vows 

In most weddings there is the vows contain the words “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer,  in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, and to Honor, till death us do part.”  It easy to say when all you see is the stars in the other person’s eyes and your heart does that funny pitter-patter thing and you breath catches in your throat.  Forever just does not quite seem like it is long enough. “Who really care about money we don’t need it” Do we really know what it means to do our part?

False Expectations in Marriage

Often people believe a good marriage is filled with fireworks all the time, or this deep feeling of love or intimacy.  That is not true as Dave Meurer, says in “Daze of Our Wives” A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences. Thinking a marriage will just fall in place and all the hard work is done when you got your partner to agree to marriage.  Is just one of the many misconceptions that leads to unhappiness in marriage. Believing there is some magic glue to hold a relationship together gives the partners a false sense of security. Back in the 70’s people there was a thought that love meant you didn’t need to say I’m sorry. Yet saying your sorry/apologizing helps to repair the damage that has been done.  Remember you won your mate heart with care (dates, flowers, conversations of hopes and dreams and being kind) so continue those actions. Most couples don’t know how to speak your spouse’s love language. So learn your spouse’s love language. 

Things to think about 

• Marriage is hard work so with keeping that in mind be willing to work at the maintenance
• Affairs increase your unhappiness and the likelihood for divorce  
• Deciding against divorce before before the hardships of marriage – it’s less likely to be an option 
• Love is not a Feeling it is an Action
• Statistically, “Unhappy” couples who choose to stay together are likely to be “happy” within five years
• Sex between you and your spouse is Communication
• Communication is essential to great sex
• Commitment is not based on feelings but a decision  
• When your spouse is the hardest to love or difficult person that is the moments when they need to be loved  the most
• Forgiveness in marriage is an act of mercy for you and your spouse
• Be open and honest in communication with your spouse
• Sex is just about 10 percent of what makes up married life
• Most arguments are resolved when both people are more concerned with being in the relationship instead of being right 
• Forgive your spouse

Books

• The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages
• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
• The Five Love Languages 
• Rekindled: How to Keep the Warmth in Marriage
• The Love Dare

Authors Note

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